sorry, not sorry.

On my way home from the studio last night, I stopped at Healthy Living to grab dinner and a few groceries. There were several people scoping out the salad bar, and actually going at it from the wrong  end (totally didn't mind, just saying!) As I went to reach for a to-go container I said, "Excuse me, I just need to grab one of these," and then... wait for it... "Sorry!"

Why did I apologize?

I do it all the time. Unnecessarily apologize. I do it before I ask questions. I do it when someone walks around me at the grocery store. I do it before I tell someone I miss them. I've even done it when someone spilt something on me. Seriously... why am I apologizing so much?

Apparently, I'm not alone.

...I'm looking at you, ladies. Several studies, like this one conducted at the University of Waterloo, note a pretty major gender gap when it comes to the frequency of and reasons for apologies. It's suggested that women may apologize as an act of peace-keeping; that we may be more hard-wired for harmony and nurturing than our male counterparts... but I'm not sure I buy that generalization. I know lots of harmony-seeking guys, and plenty of females that are only capable of telling it like it is, sans remorse.

Another possible reason that hits much closer to home: a lack of confidence. Nailed it. I'm doing it because I'm insecure in these moments: I think what I have to ask or say is dumb, or I feel like I'm in the way. But saying "I'm sorry" is only reinforcing my insecurity. It's like I'm expecting that the person I'm apologizing to will jump on my self-depreciating band wagon and tell me I'm taking too long to pick out peanut butter, or that I'm totally hogging our mutual arm rest. But that never happens. The other person probably isn't even concerned with what I'm doing, and while I'm worrying about apologizing, they're thinking about something that has nothing to do with me. They're unaffected and I walk away feeling like I did something wrong.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

Which brings me to an interesting point from that Waterloo study:

“Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.”

Guys, you're practically flawless, right? Of course you're going to apologize less. But really, they may actually be on to something here. Why do we assume that we're in the wrong, even when we're not? "I'm sorry" goes beyond trying to ease an awkward situation and actually translates to accepting the blame. It's only a matter of time before auto-apologies deflate not only our self-esteem, but also others' confidence in us. Check out the impact in this new ad by Pantene:

So... How do we get rid of the "I'm sorry" crutch?

- Start keeping track; when you are doing it, how often, and why. Is an "I'm sorry" needed? Do you act like you killed someone if you step on their foot?

- Save the sorries. Make them count. If you're constantly saying it, it's not going to be as powerful when friends, family or coworkers really need to hear it.

- Change it up. Learn to apologize differently. One of my favorites is to replace sorry with thank you. If you're running late, you can thank them for their patience.


Give yourself and those around you a little boost by owning your questions and actions. Good luck, and don't be sorry!


xo Emily

you have to find the things that love you. run to them.

It's been a challenging couple of days. I saw this on a friend's page tonight and it gave me a little boost.

So thankful for all my 'good things'.

xo Emily

6 things it's OK to be picky about.

Like I said in my last post, it's been a crazy January. But I think having the rug pulled out from under you really makes you evaluate life and what you truly want out of it. While I've been working out how to measure my past and future successes, I've realized there are some things that I'm absolutely not willing to compromise on. A lot of these have been "hard limits" for a while, but some are newly discovered... High expectations? Maybe. Older and wiser? Hopefully.

1. Chocolate. 

I'd rather not eat it at all than eat "bad" chocolate. Obviously this is dependent on the palate of the consumer, but don't even offer me milk or white chocolate; milk's too sweet and white is just an impostor. I'm certainly not going to waste the calories on something I don't really want. I'd rather hold out for something deliciously dark, preferably 78% or higher. I'll only crumble for the occasional Reese's, but actually these are even better.

2. Teeth.

Okay, this isn't as superficial as it sounds, and I'm fully aware that a little crookedness never hurt anyone. But there's something to be said about a nice set of teeth. In an era where we text and tweet and post and email, I'm still a fan of plain old verbal communication, ideally in person. I also tend to look at people's mouths when they talk (does anyone else feel like uninterrupted eye contact can get a little weird?) You can determine a lot through someone's face and mouth, so take care of it and flash that beautiful smile. A lot.

3. Friends.

Of course we can be picky, they're the family that we choose. The best ones will drive us crazy, challenge us, be brutally honest and love us unconditionally. I just spent the weekend in Killington with my very best friend from high school (in all honestly she is the only high school friend that I'm still close with, despite the fact that we've lived hundreds if not thousands of miles away from each other for the last seven years). It was amazing. Love her.

4. Career. 

You have to love what you do. Period. It's what you'll spend the majority of your life doing. If you don't love it, make a change. Get happy at your job, because it'll affect everything else.

"There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen."

Wayne Dyer

5. Myself.

I don't need to justify being selfish to anyone, including myself. Now I'm not saying that this should be a permanent, long-term thing. What I am saying is that it's okay to focus on you and shut everyone out for a little while. You're the only one who knows what you really need, whether it be six hours a week at the gym or a tropical vacation. Figure it out and do it. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. They should be selfish too.

6. Risk.

Take it. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen? You embarrass yourself? Who cares? You die? Probably not, but if so you probably died doing something awesome. Putting yourself out there is how great things happen, in relationships, work and all things life. Go all out.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change."

Brene Brown

So here's to surprises that lead to life evaluation and a little personal reflection. What about you? What are you unwilling to compromise on?