sorry, not sorry.

On my way home from the studio last night, I stopped at Healthy Living to grab dinner and a few groceries. There were several people scoping out the salad bar, and actually going at it from the wrong  end (totally didn't mind, just saying!) As I went to reach for a to-go container I said, "Excuse me, I just need to grab one of these," and then... wait for it... "Sorry!"

Why did I apologize?

I do it all the time. Unnecessarily apologize. I do it before I ask questions. I do it when someone walks around me at the grocery store. I do it before I tell someone I miss them. I've even done it when someone spilt something on me. Seriously... why am I apologizing so much?

Apparently, I'm not alone.

...I'm looking at you, ladies. Several studies, like this one conducted at the University of Waterloo, note a pretty major gender gap when it comes to the frequency of and reasons for apologies. It's suggested that women may apologize as an act of peace-keeping; that we may be more hard-wired for harmony and nurturing than our male counterparts... but I'm not sure I buy that generalization. I know lots of harmony-seeking guys, and plenty of females that are only capable of telling it like it is, sans remorse.

Another possible reason that hits much closer to home: a lack of confidence. Nailed it. I'm doing it because I'm insecure in these moments: I think what I have to ask or say is dumb, or I feel like I'm in the way. But saying "I'm sorry" is only reinforcing my insecurity. It's like I'm expecting that the person I'm apologizing to will jump on my self-depreciating band wagon and tell me I'm taking too long to pick out peanut butter, or that I'm totally hogging our mutual arm rest. But that never happens. The other person probably isn't even concerned with what I'm doing, and while I'm worrying about apologizing, they're thinking about something that has nothing to do with me. They're unaffected and I walk away feeling like I did something wrong.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

Which brings me to an interesting point from that Waterloo study:

“Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.”

Guys, you're practically flawless, right? Of course you're going to apologize less. But really, they may actually be on to something here. Why do we assume that we're in the wrong, even when we're not? "I'm sorry" goes beyond trying to ease an awkward situation and actually translates to accepting the blame. It's only a matter of time before auto-apologies deflate not only our self-esteem, but also others' confidence in us. Check out the impact in this new ad by Pantene:

So... How do we get rid of the "I'm sorry" crutch?

- Start keeping track; when you are doing it, how often, and why. Is an "I'm sorry" needed? Do you act like you killed someone if you step on their foot?

- Save the sorries. Make them count. If you're constantly saying it, it's not going to be as powerful when friends, family or coworkers really need to hear it.

- Change it up. Learn to apologize differently. One of my favorites is to replace sorry with thank you. If you're running late, you can thank them for their patience.


Give yourself and those around you a little boost by owning your questions and actions. Good luck, and don't be sorry!


xo Emily