With Valentine's Day here, I figured I'd get in the spirit and write something lovey this week. But rather than talk about all the things I love, which I already do all the time, I figured I'd share some things that I've (sometimes reluctantly) learned along the way.
I immediately realized that the majority of my thoughts on love are the result of my long-distance relationships. Yes, plural.
Three of my best friends have lived states away for years. I have family that lives a thousand miles apart in opposite directions. And I was in a relationship that spanned 1,500 miles then 2,000 miles. Same relationship, greater distance. Crazy, I know.
The common denominator in my life is moving. I've moved. Everyone mentioned above has moved, most of us more than once. And even though it's a major challenge, it's also one of the reasons why I love them so much. They, like me, wanted new experiences in new places. They've all taken risks and are doing great things. I'm lucky to know them.
Here's what I've discovered through all the long drives, goodbyes, baggage claims and reunions.
Trust is incredibly important.
This may seem like it only applies to relationships, but trust is key in any situation, especially when distance is involved. Earn it by being honest and coming though on plans, which is so important when you don't have a ton of time together in person. You also have to be a great listener, because sometimes that's all you can do to make someone feel that connection across miles and time zones.
Pick your location for you.
Don't move to a new place solely because someone you love lives there. It may be a major positive on a list of pros and cons, but it shouldn't be the most influential factor. Whether your reasons are obvious - a fantastic new job, a great music scene, or a view of the Rockies from your porch, or a little less clear - maybe you just need a change, they should be for you. Making your decision entirely for someone else is going to make it harder for you to really enjoy a new place because t's going to put a ton of pressure on making it work out. That being said...
Use it as an excuse to travel.
Look at it as an opportunity to immerse yourself in new surroundings. Someone you love gets to play tour guide, and you get the inside scoop from a local. Plus, you might fall in love with it and move (for you!)
Distance doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder.
Being away from someone definitely makes you miss them more than if they were a twenty-minute drive away, but it can also have the opposite effect. Extended time apart means fewer new memories and experiences together. That's why it helps to...
Always have something to look forward to.
A weekend visit. A phone date. Heck, it can even be watching the same television show and texting about it during commercials. A countdown makes the distance more bearable.
Don't use it as an excuse to not make new friends.
Be open to those around you - at the gym, at work, at Starbucks - it doesn't matter. Last week I met someone really cool on a late flight back to Burlington. Put down your phone, look around and make yourself available.
If you love someone, let them go.
This is a cliche I'll totally endorse. Hanging on for hanging on's sake isn't good for anyone. Going away makes us grow and become better. (If you haven't read this amazing Medium post, I suggest you do so immediately, then come back to this. Seriously. It's that good.) Being apart will absolutely mean more effort from everyone involved, but we do it because...
Distance shouldn't stop you from loving.
Life gets busy. Plans get postponed. Promises can be hard to keep. None of that matters. I can go months (bad!) without talking to those far-away best friends, but when we do pick up the phone or see each other, nothing has changed. You're willing to deal with the distance because it's amazing when you actually do get to see each other. It's love. It survives whatever stresses you put it under. That's how you know someone's a keeper.
So would I recommend it? Yes and no. Sometimes it's out of our control. If we want the people we love to be the best they can be, and want the same for ourselves, then sometimes we have to deal with being apart. I think especially in a romantic relationship, there comes a point when there has to be an end in sight; a mutual decision that at a not-so-vague time, you'll be in the same place. And if you can't figure it out, maybe it's not meant to be. Things happen (or don't happen) for a reason.
By the way, have you seen this ad? My griping about long layovers and missed date nights seems ridiculous after watching.
Anyone else have far-away friends or been in a long-distance relationship? How's it working?
xo Emily
title photo by S.R.
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