is it impossible to stay together and in love?

With the exception of thinking Chris Martin is dreamy... I mean, he has the trifecta: cute, perfect accent and hello, Coldplay... I really did not pay much attention to the power couple that is (was) Gwyneth and Chris. I know she's been criticized and ridiculed for her homemaking books and blog, but I really don't mind her. And I love Chris... did I mention that already?

So today when the digital universe was buzzing with news of their split, I wasn't heartbroken, but was a little surprised since they seemed to have beaten the celebrity odds of short marriages. Of course I clicked the link to the announcement (traffic to the page caused the site to crash earlier today), posted of course on her blog. It did strike me as a little odd. I don't understand how you can "love each other very much" and be "closer that we have ever been" but not want to remain married... Sure, they may still care about each other, but I would not define being in love with someone as wanting to separate from them. To each their own I guess.

Anyway, the part that really disturbed me was not the message from Gwyneth, but rather the article that she shared below by Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami. I'll be honest, I didn't read it all, but this section jumped out and terrified me:

Until Death Do Us Part

During the upper Paleolithic period of human history (roughly 50,000BC to 10,000BC) the average human life expectancy at birth was 33.[i] By 1900, U.S. life expectancy was only 46 for men, and 48 for women. Today, it’s 76 and 81 respectively.[ii] During the 52,000 years between our Paleolithic ancestors and the dawn of the 20th Century, life expectancy rose just 15 years. In the last 114 years, it’s increased by 43 years for men, and 48 years for women.

What does this have to do with divorce rates? For the vast majority of history, humans lived relatively short lives—and accordingly, they weren’t in relationships with the same person for 25 to 50 years. Modern society adheres to the concept that marriage should be lifelong; but when we’re living three lifetimes compared to early humans, perhaps we need to redefine the construct. Social research suggests that because we’re living so long, most people will have two or three significant long-term relationships in their lifetime.

So um. Pardon me? Because we're living longer, I should give up on the hopes of finding someone that I can spend the majority of my adult life with? At first I felt like with two paragraphs, they had completely de-romanticized love and relationships... but then I started thinking that they might have a point. Maybe it's unrealistic to think that you will forever love and want to be with someone you met when were were twenty-two.

But I want to believe! I want to look forward to the fact that at some point, I'm going to find someone that is just as crazy about me as I am about them. I might even be okay with being the one that loves the most.

I want to someday be an awesomely embarrassing parent with my other half, like this:

...And I don't want to have to assume that at some point, we'll undoubtably grow tired of each other after too much time together and decide to "consciously uncouple". 

Is that really too much to ask?!

Honestly, I'd rather be purposefully decoupled now than divorced later. At a time in my life when it seems like everyone my age is getting engaged, married and starting families, I'm okay with waiting a bit for the right person. I also think your mid-twenties is a good time to be self-loving and focus on you: career, travel, happiness, you name it. Kudos to you twenty-somethings that have found your person; I'm just not there yet!

So what so you guys think? Because we're living longer, is it totally insane to think that we can meet someone, marry them, and stay in love 'til death do us part? Is the ceremony of marriage an outdated tradition? Could you spend your life with someone without ever getting married?

Also, you've gotta Goop-ify your love life to see what crazy title Gwyneth would give your love life. Post your Goop-ed relationship status in the comments below!

xo Emily

what I've learned from long-distance.

With Valentine's Day here, I figured I'd get in the spirit and write something lovey this week. But rather than talk about all the things I love, which I already do all the time, I figured I'd share some things that I've (sometimes reluctantly) learned along the way.

I immediately realized that the majority of my thoughts on love are the result of my long-distance relationships. Yes, plural.

Three of my best friends have lived states away for years. I have family that lives a thousand miles apart in opposite directions. And I was in a relationship that spanned 1,500 miles then 2,000 miles. Same relationship, greater distance. Crazy, I know.

The common denominator in my life is moving. I've moved. Everyone mentioned above has moved, most of us more than once. And even though it's a major challenge, it's also one of the reasons why I love them so much. They, like me, wanted new experiences in new places. They've all taken risks and are doing great things. I'm lucky to know them.

Here's what I've discovered through all the long drives, goodbyes, baggage claims and reunions.

Trust is incredibly important.
This may seem like it only applies to relationships, but trust is key in any situation, especially when distance is involved. Earn it by being honest and coming though on plans, which is so important when you don't have a ton of time together in person. You also have to be a great listener, because sometimes that's all you can do to make someone feel that connection across miles and time zones.

Pick your location for you. 
Don't move to a new place solely because someone you love lives there. It may be a major positive on a list of pros and cons, but it shouldn't be the most influential factor. Whether your reasons are obvious - a fantastic new job, a great music scene, or a view of the Rockies from your porch, or a little less clear - maybe you just need a change, they should be for you. Making your decision entirely for someone else is going to make it harder for you to really enjoy a new place because t's going to put a ton of pressure on making it work out. That being said...

Use it as an excuse to travel. 
Look at it as an opportunity to immerse yourself in new surroundings. Someone you love gets to play tour guide, and you get the inside scoop from a local. Plus, you might fall in love with it and move (for you!)

Distance doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder. 
Being away from someone definitely makes you miss them more than if they were a twenty-minute drive away, but it can also have the opposite effect. Extended time apart means fewer new memories and experiences together. That's why it helps to...

Always have something to look forward to.
A weekend visit. A phone date. Heck, it can even be watching the same television show and texting about it during commercials. A countdown makes the distance more bearable.

Don't use it as an excuse to not make new friends.
Be open to those around you - at the gym, at work, at Starbucks - it doesn't matter. Last week I met someone really cool on a late flight back to Burlington. Put down your phone, look around and make yourself available.

If you love someone, let them go. 
This is a cliche I'll totally endorse. Hanging on for hanging on's sake isn't good for anyone. Going away makes us grow and become better. (If you haven't read this amazing Medium post, I suggest you do so immediately, then come back to this. Seriously. It's that good.) Being apart will absolutely mean more effort from everyone involved, but we do it because...

Distance shouldn't stop you from loving.
Life gets busy. Plans get postponed. Promises can be hard to keep. None of that matters. I can go months (bad!) without talking to those far-away best friends, but when we do pick up the phone or see each other, nothing has changed. You're willing to deal with the distance because it's amazing when you actually do get to see each other. It's love. It survives whatever stresses you put it under. That's how you know someone's a keeper.

So would I recommend it? Yes and no. Sometimes it's out of our control. If we want the people we love to be the best they can be, and want the same for ourselves, then sometimes we have to deal with being apart. I think especially in a romantic relationship, there comes a point when there has to be an end in sight; a mutual decision that at a not-so-vague time, you'll be in the same place. And if you can't figure it out, maybe it's not meant to be. Things happen (or don't happen) for a reason.

By the way, have you seen this ad? My griping about long layovers and missed date nights seems ridiculous after watching. 

Anyone else have far-away friends or been in a long-distance relationship? How's it working?


xo Emily



title photo by S.R.